When it rains, it pours.
It seems as though every time April comes around my world begins to shift, big changes happen and, in a way, I'm forced to re-evaluate my life. Several Aprils ago, I retired from the 9-to-5. Last year, I applied and got a job on a cruise ship (and long story short, decided not to go). And two Aprils ago, I got a job as a graveyard cocktail server to save up enough money to follow my heart, which at that time was in Australia. Fast forward to present day, present moment, I'm back sitting on my bedroom floor, writing.
Tonight, I walked into work ready to suck it up til 6AM. After last week, I knew something needed to be done. I needed an attitude check. For the first time in a long time, I didn't like myself. I didn't like who I was last week. I didn't like how I was talking, nor how I was treating people, including the patrons I didn't care much for at all. Normally, I couldn't be bothered. My indifference would get me through my three graveyard shits with ease. Instead, I noticed my heart rate go up, found myself clenching my jaw and even heard myself say, "F*ck my life," and kinda meant it. I was close to walking out of my job. This would be after I went off on somebody. Crazy part: there wasn't really any valid reasons for me to be like this aside from PMS. Yet, It was simple. I was beginning to resent my job like a good boyfriend that was keeping me away from my dreams. This job provided me a good source or income to support my family, travel the world and put me through my teacher training. A job that was convenient, easy and worked with my schedule. At the same time, a job that allowed me to build lifelong friendships. How dare I be so ungrateful?
For a few months, I've been talking about cutting down on my graveyard shifts so that I could focus on teaching and finishing my book. Plus, the money was only getting worse and it wasn't worth feeling like I just ran a never-ending marathon by Thursday morning. It was clear that I needed to give away a shift or two. Of course, I'd have to get to close to the ledge to actually jump off. And I was pretty damn close last week. I finally put in a request to drop Monday graveyards thinking that I would continue to work until they found someone to cover the shift. Put it this way, I couldn't pay any of the old girls to work for me. I tried. It sucks that much. Then I went into work tonight, and to my surprise, I wasn't scheduled to work. Like I had asked. So I literally jumped for joy, at the same time, apart of me went, "Oh, shit."
Lets be honest, as much as I know that this is for the better, for the greater good, necessary even, it's still scary as hell. Even if it's just one shift. It was safe. It was as secure as it could get. And knew that I could go to work, take cash home and get a check in two weeks. It's easy to get comfortable in this industry. At the same time, when you know that there is something else you're meant to do, you can only ignore it for so long before it purges out and onto the surface. Comfortable slowly becomes complacent. And eventually morphs itself into resentment. And resentment, they say, is poison to the soul.
Starting today, April 1st, I decided to do a 6-day detox, self-design and yogi-friendly. I've designed a detox based on the first 4 limbs of yoga: yama, niyama, asana and pranayama (visit Ranny Says for more info). This will be my first time doing this. Still a work in progress, this detox is an opportunity for me experiment on myself. It's all research, right? I committed to this cleanse because I just knew that I needed to do something. Something different. Something challenging. Something that would inspire me to take giant leaps towards optimal health. I just didn't know that it included my external world too.
I guess when it reigns, it really does pour.