10 Ways To Be A Badass Girlfriend: 3. Check Yo-Self
3. Check yo-self before you wreck yourself
By being aware of how we’re being in the moment, we can actually shift a conversation from a “f*ck you” to an “I’m sorry.” Triggers happen, ya’ll. Sometimes, in fact, most times we’re not even aware that we’ve been triggered. Recently, Brian and I got into another tiff about him giving me input when I didn’t ask for it.
As we worked on creating our games for the next three months, he thought it would helpful to tell me that the ideas I chose to play didn’t inspire him. Immediately, I was insulted, “Well, it’s not your game. It’s MY game. It says SELF-expression NOT Brian’s expression.”
Luckily, I noticed myself getting significant. So, I shifted how I was being about it and made the conversation light by laughing at how silly it was that he was trying to create my game. “Come on, honey, stick to your game. You do whatever you want with your game. Let me create mine.” He laughs, “Okay, fine.”A few minutes later, he says, “I just discovered something. We talked about doing this dinner party for Power Partners, and I told people about it. I got them excited about it, and then you didn’t choose it. That’s what it really was. I’m sorry.” I say, “Awe, gotcha. I get it now. We’ll do that too. I’ll highlight it.”
In the past—both past relationships and with Brian—I would be passive aggressive. Then I’d be contemptuous. Then resentful. There would be hidden “f*ck yous” in the conversation that would last for days. But because he and I are both committed to creating a partnership that empowers the other, it doesn’t work for us to stay upset for too long.
When you find yourself in a conversation that isn’t going the way you want, I invite you to consider that someone was triggered. And whether it was you or the other person, it’s OUR responsibility to be aware of how we’re being about it. If you find that you cannot shift your way of being to a way that empowers you or the other person, it’s time to check yo-self before you wreck yourself—even if that means you need to step away for a breather.
My momma once said to me, “Ranny, if you tear a piece of paper, that piece of paper will never be the same again. You can try to tape it, glue it, whatever, but it will never be the same again. Be mindful about what you say.” I would go further to say be mindful of how you’re being. As Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Why should this be any different with your partner?