10 Ways To Be A Badass Girlfriend: 2. Know Where You Stand
2. Stand and speak from your commitment to him NOT from the current circumstances or future concerns.
WTF are you talking about, Ranny? Before I get into the place in which we can stand, we must first distinguish “commitment”—and in order to distinguish commitment we’ve got to address “attachment”. When people say they have “commitment issues”, it’s not really commitment issues that we have—they’re actually “attachment issues” because attachment stems from an expectation that things should be or look a certain way. No-one wants to be put in a situation that could potentially be suffocating or stifling. I know I don’t. So it’s important that we don’t collapse the two: commitments come from a way of being and attachments come from an expectation (circumstances or future concerns).
As for commitments defined by Google, it is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. In other words, we’re all committed to something whether we know it or not. Consider that we are all committed to looking good or being right BY DEFAULT. It’s in the nature of being human. When we’re concerned with current circumstances or even future concerns, we just wanna be right!
Last night Brian and I spent date night working on copy for his business that he’s launching. He got triggered because he didn’t feel like I was listening. I got triggered because I didn’t feel appreciated for helping him. When we finally finished the project, I was irritated. “Doing work on date night doesn’t work,” I asserted. “Now, I’m irritated, exhausted and not in the mood (to get it on) anymore.” I was caught up in the concerns that he and I always bump heads when we work together. But instead of getting caught up in my attachments of what “working together” should look like, Brian STOOD IN THE COMMITMENT that he has for me—that we’re always connected and in love. He says, “I’m sorry for triggering you. I was probably triggered myself. Can I give you a massage?” As irritated as I can be, I never turn down a massage—especially if I didn’t ask for one. Not too long after, love and affinity was restored.
You see, when we know where we stand, we get to choose how to be about it. In this example, I stood in the circumstance of being triggered and the future concerns of what it looks like to work with my partner while Brian stood in the commitment that we have for each other. Because he was able to stand from there, he was able be loving, generous AND responsible, which pulled me out of the drama much sooner than later. Both Brian and I do this for each other because we know our commitments for one another. Why? Because we created it. My commitment to him that he experiences being loved and has the opportunity to love with me.
Ladies, know where you stand with your man—is it in the commitment that you have for him or is it in the concerns that you have? It takes work but with time and practice, you’ll spend more time in love and a lot less in resentment.